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Dead Or Alive Paradise (PSP)

Dead Or Alive Paradise
Review by David Jenkins -

When the American age rating board, the ESRB, rate a game they also provide a brief description of its contents.

"This is a video game in which users watch grown women dressed in G-string bikinis jiggle their breasts while on a two-week vacation," they said of this.

According to them the game also contains "a fair amount of 'cheesy', and at times, creepy voyeurism".

Although they were later made to take the description down we've almost nothing to add to it for this review.

As a slightly cut down version of Dead Or Alive Xtreme 2 this is one of the most juvenile, sexist and troubling video games we've ever played.

But as well as being the least politically correct games ever it's also one of the least entertaining. Which is quite some combination.

As with the original game the concept is that the ladies from the core Dead Or Alive games have been invited to a two week holiday on New Zack Island.

As such your only real imperative is to help them make friends with each other.

In a typical example of the game's warped logic friendships are made by bribing each other with presents (mostly bikinis and other beach wear) which the recipient often ignores.

In order to earn money to buy yourself new friends you can play volleyball.

It works exactly as in previous games, with a camera that remains focused on the girls rather than the ball.

It's painfully shallow and no fun at all but it's the closest thing to a proper game in the whole package. The next most complex mini-game is pool hopping, where you have to jump across floats using one of two jumps.

The other mini-games from Dead Or Alive Xtreme 2, including the almost adequate jet skiing, have been ditched in favour of a pathetically sad photo game.

One of the girls cavorts around in front of you and you have to take pictures of her in her bikini.

And that's it. You're not actually graded on your photography skills, you're just meant to get a kick out of seeing semi-naked virtual women.

There are also a few card and slot machine games at the casino but here the girls are mostly absent and the dry presentation makes the whole thing look like some cheap mobile game.

The rest of the graphics are more impressive but the women still look weirdly inhuman, with their fat ankles, china doll faces and paper-like hair.

And, of course, their infamously preposterous "breast physics".

The way the boobs wobble and gyrate like a half set blancmange seems to be the final proof of our long held suspicion: the developers have never actually met a real woman before.

But even without the disturbing sexism this is still a truly terrible game.

It's also the third time that Tecmo have released essentially the same game and the thought that people are still buying it is even more worrying.

IN SHORT: A virtual peep show that's tragically short on titillation, let alone gameplay or entertainment.

PROS: The graphics are reasonably good for the PSP and the CGI intro was probably quite expensive.

CONS: Volleyball is as rubbish as ever. Even less mini-games than usual. Disturbingly sexist and voyeuristic.

SCORE: 1/10

Dvader said:

No, only real action stars.

This will be the best action movie of the year, Stallone knows how its done.

Yeah, Stallone had it all.  

aspro said:

"Cliffy B to reveal new game on Jimmy Fallon's sho"

What do you guys think about Epic?  Have they painted themselves into a corner with Gears?

I swear to god I hate this fucking day...

In other news of course the Eurogamer reviewer loved Rune Factory. It's one of the best games made last year.  The only people who still haven't picked it up are schmoes and hoes.

I just got hit with with and April fool's joke.  I just booted up my Wii for the kid to play and it started up with "Repairing System.... please do not power down."

As most of you know I've done the softmod to my Wii, so my first assumption was that Nintendo found out and was bricking my system. Turns out the douchebag/genuis who figured out the mod did a little extra programming for April 1st.  Turns out all you had to do was pres A + 1 + 2 and you can get out of it, but still it had me scared for a few minutes.

Like I said before, I hate this fucking day.