Haribo sugarless gummy bears – beware the laxative effect

More than 100 consumers of the 5lb bag of sweets have posted reports of calamitous flatulence and sudden bowel evacuation. Can it really be true?

Until now, people bought Haribo gummy bears for all manner of factors – taste, colour, an unsubstantiated belief that they are going to cling on to your colon for decades, like some sort of gelatinous kaleidoscopic dingleberry (just me? Oh). But now, according to Amazon, there's a new reason. Apparently, if you buy and consume a 5lb bag of Haribo sugarless gummy bears, you will experience nothing short of "gastrointestinal armageddon".

Last week, Buzzfeed uncovered more than 100 Amazon reviews for the sweets – which, to be fair, do claim to "cause intestinal distress if eaten in excess" in the product description – all describing the apocalyptic laxative effect that they supposedly had on their digestive systems in harrowingly forensic detail.

Christine E Torok from Pennsylvania wrote that, after eating 20 bears, "What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw". Other customers complained that, after eating the bears, "I was in excruciating pain and passed enough gas to inflate the Hindenberg", that "these things should be outlawed or used as a military weapon", and that "If u buy these gummy bears u will be running to the toilet!!"

Now, it's hard to know how seriously to take these reviews. Comically exaggerated Amazon reviews are up there with custard pies and mother-in-law jokes in terms of massively overused comic tropes, as the makers of Veet for Men and David Hasselhoff albums will happily attest. Certainly, since Buzzfeed wrote about it, the gummy bear page has become flooded with all manner of tedious internet wags all joylessly trying to out-LOL each other.

But there's something persuasive about these reviews. There's a theme running through them. A theme of trapped wind. A theme of calamitous flatulence. A theme of eventual bowel evacuation so sudden and violent that the consumer briefly transcends all human notions of suffering. A theme of not realising that buying a bag of sweets that weighs as much as a domestic cat might be asking for trouble. Are they true or not? There's only one thing for it. I'm going to have to order a bag.

This story is amazing

OMG, I'm in tears right now

http://www.buzzfeed.com/michaelrusch/haribo-gummy-bear-reviews-on-amazon-are-the-most-insane-thin

“What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw. I swear my sphincters were screaming. It felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping maw projectile vomiting a torrential flood of toxic waste. 100% liquid. Flammable liquid. NAPALM.”

“I saw the product reviews and told some coworkers, so we bought a bag (because who doesn’t want to spend the workday on the toilet AND get paid, right??). Brought them in yesterday morning and a bunch of the guys immediately downed a handful each. Within half an hour they were in the bathroom. Best moment of the day was when one of them (who had been in the bathroom for half an hour by that point) texted one of the others. ‘If you think it’s a fart….it’s NOT.’ hahhaaaaaa”

SteelAttack said:

I wish I had them over here. The fun I'd have with them here at work.

Import.

5. From a review titled: “Fully weaponized Gummy Bears”

“The cramping started about an hour later, and soon enough I was as bloated as a balloon in Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. When the rumbling started I sprinted down the hallway and made it to the bathroom just in time for the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse to stampede from my backside, laying waste to my home’s septic system AND my will to live. After three hours of a pelvis-shaking Gummy Bear assault, I was spongy and weak, surprised that I had any bones left. I cursed Haribo with the little strength I could muster.”

6. From a review titled: “AWESOME and EXPLOSIVE!!”

“The explosive gas let loose and to an explosive shart!!! 1 mile from home on my walk and it was a long 1 mile back and I had a mess!! Fortunately for compression shorts it didn’t run down my legs!! Now I had to hold the gas for fear of blowing my entire intestines out into my shorts!! I made it home and what happened then was like something out of Dante’s Inferno!!! My butt became an upside down volcano!! Best to stock up on toilet paper and toilet bowl cleaner as you will totally spray the bowl and back of the seat!! I would no sooner get done and have to go again. When you get the urge to “go” you best be in proximity of toilet!!! I spent hours on the toilet.”

7. From a review titled: “You dont understand.”

“I was glued to the toilet seat. Streams of fire burst from my colon. When i wasnt experiencing Satans fury exploding from my rear, i was laying in the fetal position on my bathroom floor, sobbing and asking for forgiveness. Im a 280 pound man. I. Was. Sobbing.

When it was finally over, i couldnt move. I crawled onto the floor one last time and sat, motionless, until my dehydration finally required that i drink water. The other reviews are perfectly accurate. This is absolutely, 100% true.

Eat two at a time. Three if you’re brave. But for the love of God and all things on this earth, DO NOT EAT ANY MORE.”

The amazon page for the death Bears is better@

http://www.amazon.com/Haribo-Gummy-Candy-Sugarless-5-Pound/product-reviews/B000EVQWKC/ref=cm_cr_pr_top_link_1?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&sortBy=byRankDescending

Somebody gave it 5 stars in a review titled: "Ideal Gift For Your Congressional Representatives"

A one star review called: "This ruined my life,"

"As a paramedic it is often difficult to not only eat at work, but to eat relatively healthy. I developed a sweet tooth one day and if theres one thing I love, its gummy snacks. In the oppressive southern heat, we were dispatched to an unconscious person. As we traversed the city streets I began to get cold chills and cramps despite the triple digit temperatures. My abdomen was obviously bloated and the noises…oh god, the noises.


We arrived on scene and quickly loaded the critical patient into the ambulance. I grabbed a firefighter to ride with me in case the patient crashed before we got to the emergency room. In the back, the pressure was building against my dirty rosebud. I had to release something and thought that if I could just let some air out, I might not have to change my pants.


I leaned to the side, putting pressure on one cheek to try to sneak it out without being noticed. I was able to get it off without soiling myself, but the smell…oh my gawd.


The fireman wrinkled his nose as I wiped the sweat from my face.


“Does she have a GI bleed? A necrotic bowel?” he asked."

These are quite obviously fictitious, but entertaining nontheless.

LOL these gummy bears are amazing! I'm dying here.

GG the sales figures for wii u maybe were equal for 5 months but now it is not even close, wii u is way lower. Also there is no way zombiu sold 500k in a month, dead rising 3 did.

Oh ok, I just need more than just straight fighting in smash. They should look at what MK (Kombat not kart) did.

SteelAttack said:

Mario Kombat?

I want. CEO Robio make it happen.

Dvader said:

GG the sales figures for wii u maybe were equal for 5 months but now it is not even close, wii u is way lower.

Yes..... I never said anything differently?

My point was that people were calling U a flop in Feb/March (people obsessed with NPD) and even earlier comparing the sales to better Wii sales. But compared to PS3 and 360 totals it sold a similar amount in the first 5 months, around 3.5 million.

Hence if the internet was declaring Wii U a flop in Feb/March with similar launch period sales to 360 and PS3 then by that logic both those systems were flops too. Also comparing launch sales of new systems to current U sales is asinine. When Wii U launched it sold similar numbers by the new year to what Xbox One is doing now.

Considering virtually all 3rd parties decided to blacklist the console after about two months of sales - it's a pretty sad state of affairs. Lego City launched but that was Nintendo published. So EAs' last dregs of support landed in spring, then nothing else by 3rd parties till the following October and pretty much only Ubisoft and Warner Bros. The notion that early year bad sales were to blame for no third party support is a complete bust, it takes longer than a year to make a game for the system so games were either cancelled or never put into production waaaaaaaaay before the system even launched.

I'd love to see how Sony and MS would do if they had to support their systems with only their internal studios.