Go jack off, hyperbole Lord.

Millionaire Archaeologist Lara Croft Dead In Apparent Suicide

Thailand, Southeast Asia — Millionaire archeologist and adventurer Lara Croft has died in an apparent suicide by drowning, lawyers for her estate revealed today.

Croft’s tragic death comes just as she was embarking on an expedition to locate Thor’s hammer and gain entrance to the Norse underworld. An eyewitness says it appears she took her own life, deliberately submerging herself beneath the waves off the Thailand coast after repeatedly trying, and failing, to scale a sheer cliff wall.

“I watched her trying to climb this ridiculously steep cliff, clinging from tiny handholds and leaping across chasms,” one bystander said. “She kept falling, though, all the way back down into the water where she started, and kept having to try again.”

After numerous failed attempts, the eyewitness says Croft, frustrated, appeared to give up.

“After her last fall, she just swam down and floated beneath the surface of the water. She did not appear to be in physical distress, and her yacht was anchored not far away.  She just deliberately floated down there until she ran out of air.”

“I’m completely shocked by this, but in a way, I can totally see why she did it,” the eyewitness continued.  “I was getting frustrated and annoyed just watching her trying to scale those cliffs. I can only imagine how irritating it was for her.”

Though the waters Croft perished in are known for large, dangerous sharks, it does not appear they contributed to her death.

“There were a few sharks present when she initially dove off her yacht, but she quickly swam after them and shot them to death,” the eyewitness said.

“They’re endangered, you know,” he added. “The sharks. Like a lot of the animals she pumps bullets into. I’m just saying.”

“I’ve been there, too, in that frame of mind,” said Link, an adventurer in Hyrule, upon hearing of Croft’s suicide.  “I’ve been so exasperated that I’ve wanted to drown myself. That water temple? Talk about frustrating. So many times I  just wanted to take off my Zora Tunic and put on my iron boots and let the water fill my lungs and be done with it.”

“When you get overwhelmed, and you think about drowning yourself, you just have to find a healthy outlet for your anger,” he continued. “I usually take out my frustrations by swinging my sword at my annoying fairy guide. That does the trick.”

“I just wish Lara had called me,” Link said. “Maybe I could have talked her out of it.”

edgecrusher said:

Then Link proceded to morph into nechrophiliac Link, & fucked the sinful corpse.

 I always knew Link was a sick fuck.

aspro said:

I'm back, and judging by the news posts, with me and GG out you guys did an "okay" job -- I'd give you a 6.5.

 In our defense, these have been some pretty slow days. 

robio said:

Nothing wrong with taking a break from things if you don't feel it's worth your time. I do it all the time. though no one ever notices when I'm not here because I'm completely unloved.

All I can suggest is to do or play something you normally never would. Getting out of your comfort zone is the quickest way to get back into old habits assuming you want to.

SteelAttack said:

"The overwhelming thing we've discovered is that rumble is such a rudimentary form of haptic feedback," he said. "It's not like a little rumble in your palm is your whole way of interacting with the world – it's not like, oh, I stubbed my toe and I get a little rumble in my palm." The audiovisual presentation of Kinect games, he said, does more to immerse people than rumble, as evidenced by the instinctive reactions he observed from players. "In many of the games we have, people will crash a vehicle and they'll go totally like this [mimes dodging out of the way]! And even people playing games with a controller, there's always people doing this [mimes driving motion]."

Kuno Tsunoda. Seer and diviner.

I cannot stand that guy.

aspro said:

I cannot stand that guy.

  With wisdom nuggets like this one, I can't blame you. Honestly, I had little to no idea who he was. 

aspro said:

Your absens is also noted in my book.  I always assume you are off in the jungles saving lives.  Or on GAF.

  Yeah. I'm out there kicking ass and collecting beautiful señoritas panties smiles.

ASK_Story said:

What's up Aspro!

And this LeBron thing is the most insane thing I've ever seen. I can't believe he's having a freakin' 1 hour special just for an announcement!

Talk about a major ego-trip! Wow, just wow!

It's the world we are living in man.  If he had gone through the draft he would have sated his appetitie for this ego trip back then.  Only 80 minutes left.

What I don't get is the hype -- he is no gaurantee of a ring.  If he was Phil Jackson would not be coming back.  Miami is my 2nd fave team (because I was on the Shaq side of the Kobe/Shaq war), so good for them.  But they still will have to play 82 games like every other team.  And Riley will come back -- it will be an interesting season.